


Seeing Red

by spookyawards_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-09-12
Updated: 2003-09-12
Packaged: 2019-04-27 06:04:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14419212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyawards_archivist/pseuds/spookyawards_archivist
Summary: To lose your job is one thing to lose your life is another all together. That lose though can sometimes bring a gain worth far more.





	Seeing Red

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Spooky Awards](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Spooky_Awards), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [SpookyAwards' collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/spookyawards/profile).

 

Seeing Red

## Seeing Red

### by Foxhunt2blue

Title: Seeing Red  
Author: Foxhunt2blue  
Summary: To lose your job is one thing  
to lose your life is another all together. That lose though can sometimes bring a  
gain worth far more.   
Rated: R   
Spoilers: Season 8 - "Vienen"  
Keywords: Angst, MSR  
Disclaimer: Fox, Carter, They own them  
I don't...gee I could use the money though :-) Feedback: Yes...it's all I have to live for! E-mail: or  


* * *

Seeing Red

* * *

Doggett stood staring at the phone wondering what the hell had just happened. Was Mulder serious? Out of the bureau? 

Grabbing the phone he answered with a sharp bark. "Doggett!" 

"Agent Doggett this is Deputy Director Kersh's office. Your appointment has been cancelled." 

Eyes lifting he stared at the empty doorway where Fox Mulder had stood mere seconds before. How the hell? 

"Yeah...okay." The receiver went dead in his ear as he wondered where Scully was. If it were true Mulder would need her. 

* * *

Spring in Washington, DC...beautiful. 

Clear blue skies. 

Soft, pink tinted cherry blossoms. 

All of that was unimportant, unseen by the man who sat staring out at the bustle of a late DC spring afternoon. Earlier in his career he had often spent his lunches hunched in the cool shadows of the Jefferson Memorial. 

He was in shock. 

Utter complete shock. 

Screw the cool in control exterior. He was so damn tired of being in control. 

It was over. 

His life. 

His dreams. 

They should have left him in his grave. 

Deep ragged breathes tore through his lungs as he tried to hold back the pain. He had never thought that they would toss him aside like a broken doll. What had happened to the idea of keeping their enemies close? 

Standing on weak legs, he swiped at his eyes trying to clear the burning tears away. Scully was right...had been right...he should have been the good little trooper. He should have given up on this damn world, just as it had given up on him years ago. 

* * *

"Dana. It's John." 

Scully raised a brow as she flipped through a well paged medical journal, one foot tapping against the tile floor of the waiting room. All she needed was work blowing up in her face especially after having sat in her doctor's office for the past half hour waiting for an appointment that apparently was never going to happen. 

"What is it John? I'm already late going into an appointment. Is that asshole Kersh on the warpath again?" Sighing she flipped another page. 

"It's Mulder." 

Rolling her eyes she sat up trying to get more comfortable. "Hasn't he caused enough trouble for one da...," 

"Dana they kicked him out." 

She almost dropped the phone. "They did what?" 

"He left about an hour ago." Doggett sighed on the other end of the phone. "I'm worried Dana he seemed...I don't know...off somehow." 

"Was he upset?" Scully began knawing at her lower lip. 

"That's just it...he wasn't." 

* * *

Standing in front of the mirror Mulder stared at the reflection of a man he no longer seemed to recognize. Behind him the sound of water splashing against porcelain reminded him of that first night in Belle Fleur. 

<Laughter almost hysterical as they stood in the rain staring into each others eyes>

He had known in that moment that he was falling in love. She had been so different than any other woman he knew. 

It was the first time he wished with all his heart he could see red. 

Wasn't that a joke? 

Shouldn't he be seeing red right now? 

He had always wondered why red was associated with being angry. For him it didn't represented anger, but hope...love...desire. 

He had wanted so much to see red, but now it wouldn't happen. An ache rose in his chest as he began to strip off his clothes. 

* * *

"Mulder?" Scully pushed open the door of her partner's apartment. 

Nothing. 

Only silence greeted her. Late afternoon sunlight seeped between the dusty slats of the blinds, dancing across the floor. Her eyes moved over each corner, hoping beyond hope that she would find the man who had changed her life. 

Nothing. 

Settling on the sofa she rubbed her eyes. Where was he? This had always been his haven, the place where he could hide from the outside world. 

Glancing up Scully's eyes settled on a folded sheet of paper taped to the computer screen. Suddenly her heart began to pound, bile rising in the back of here throat. Standing on unsteady legs she ran her hand over the curve of her belly thinking that he couldn't be that selfish. 

Didn't he realize this baby was his? 

Didn't he know that she needed him? 

Reaching out she pulled the note from the blank screen her fingers trembling. Damn you Mulder don't do this, she thought, taking a deep breath and unfolding the note. 

* * *

Scully- 

If I were braver, then maybe this would be in person, but what courage I've had has faded. 

To much...to fast. 

I need to do this Scully. I hope you understand eventually, but I'm not what you need. I'm not what anyone needs. 

Forgive me. 

-Mulder 

* * *

"Jesus," Scully whispered. 

Dropping the note she headed for the door, hoping beyond hope she wouldn't be to late. 

* * *

Mulder sat huddled in the bathtub, steam rising around him, yet he was cold. 

His entire life had been a joke. 

It didn't matter what he did, who he knew, or how hard he had tried. All he had been was a whipping boy for the bastards from the moment he had been born. 

Tears seeped from beneath his lids as he thought of Scully. He was angry that she had moved on after his supposed death, that she had pushed his feelings aside after his return. 

All he wanted was for her to hold him, to tell him it would be all right. 

Opening his eyes he reached out, lifting the straight razor from the tub's edge. Maybe the fear was what had pushed him to do the stupidest thing of his life and go to that damn oil rig. The fear that he would never put the memories of his time on the ship behind him. That he would never sleep through the night again or that he would have to watch what little he had left destroyed by the enemies he had chased his entire life. 

Laying back in the tub he let the tears flow finally. 

Tears for his sister. 

Tears for the life he could have had. 

"Forgive me," he choked out as he lowered the blade to his wrist. 

* * *

"Where the hell would he have went?" Doggett paced the office, running his fingers through his hair. 

Scully sat her shoulders hunched, fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. "I don't know...God help me...I just don't know." Her hands moved over the curve of her stomach, over and over. 

"What was the son of a bitch thinking?" 

"It's my fault John...I should have seen this coming." 

"Dammit Dana! How were you suppose to know?" 

He knelt down in front of her, his own hands folding over hers, stilling their nervous movement. 

"I'm his partner." She looked up at him with luminous eyes. "I've known how much this job means to him since the beginning. I remember the first time we were seperated. He was so paranoid when I met him in...," suddenly her eyes lit up. 

"What is it Dana?" Doggett had gotten to know that look over the past few months. She had remembered something. 

"The Watergate...he's at the Watergate!" She was on her feet and heading for the door before Doggett could get his bearings. 

"How do you know that?" 

"Trust me." 

* * *

He had argued with her the entire way to the hotel, but she wasn't giving an inch. In his opinion this was the last thing that she needed. 

Through out their search for Mulder he had come to admire this woman, even care for her. Maybe in another time, another life he could have loved her. That wasn't the case though, she loved Mulder. She needed him as if he were the air that she breathed. 

John clenched the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. "Dana. Listen to me if he's hurt...," the word choked him, "...if he's done something stupid you shouldn't be there. What about the baby?" 

Her eyes turned to ice. 

"Please Dana...you don't need this. Let me go in...let me take care of this." 

"I have to do this John. Don't you think I've thought of the baby? I'm pregnant, not incapacitated. I won't break...," Scully clenched her teeth. 

"So what? I'm suppose to let you just go in there? He could have a gun?" 

He glanced up as he swerved into the parking garage, flashing his badge at the flustered young man in the booth. 

"I'm the only one who can stop him John." She whispered. 

"But what if it's to late?" 

The silence was almost deafening. 

* * *

Cold sweat slicked Scully's palms as she stood outside the room that Mulder had taken. She wanted to be so wrong about the letter he had left. 

"Dana?" 

She glanced back into Doggett's intense blue eyes, a tremulous smile on her lips. This man who she had hated so much in the beginning had suprised her with the depth of his  
commitment. No matter how hard she had tried to lock him out he had kept coming. 

"I love him John...this baby," she stroked the curve of her stomach gently, "...is proof that love can overcome anything. I hope you understand why I have to do this alone." Lifting her eyes she saw Doggett's resolve melt away. 

With a nod he stepped forward, his lips pressing to her forehead. "I do Dana, but know I'm here if you need me." 

Turning she slid the keycard through the lock watching the tiny red eye go to green, then pushed the door open. 

* * *

Her heart was thundering against her rib cage as she let the door close behind her. The only sound in the room was the soft hiss of the air conditioner and the distant sound of water dripping. 

The bathroom door stood open to her left, the sound of water growing louder as she moved closer to the pale light. 

"Mulder?" Her whisper sounded to loud in the silence. 

Stepping through the door she felt tears begin to swell in her throat. I'm to late, she thought, seeing the bright red drops against the white tile. Her eyes closed against the sight of that color. 

Red for her now would be the color of lose. 

Taking a deep breath, she moved closer to the tub. As she came into view of the tub she felt her breath catch in the throat. 

He wasn't there. 

Oh, God thank you he wasn't there. 

Her relief turned to worry in a split second. 

If he wasn't there, then where was he? 

Moving out of the bathroom she flipped on the overhead light in the main room. Silence greeted her as she strained her ears. 

Nothing. 

He had to be here. The desk jockey downstairs had sworn he hadn't left, but then maybe... 

A sudden noise caught her attention. The sound of grief, she thought, as she followed the tiny drops of blood. Beneath her feet the carpet squished, water welling to the top. Holding her breath she followed the damp trail across the carpet to the closet at the far side of the room. 

Fingers trembling she reached for her gun, then thought better of it. Taking another deep breath, she pulled open the closet her heart breaking at the sight that greeted her tear filled eyes. 

* * *

He had tried. 

He had tried so hard to end it, but it hadn't worked. 

What the hell had they done to him, he wondered as he watched the deep slice begin to seal itself. Tiny beads of red trailing down his damp skin to drop against the brilliant white of the tile. Not that he knew red from grey. 

With a a choked sob, he had stumbled from the tub, the straight razor still clutched in his hand. He paid no attention to the water that sloshed across the floor of the bathroom. 

If only they hadn't taken his gun. 

Wanting to die was a bitch especially if you couldn't. 

Tears blurring his vision he moved across the room not caring that he was naked and leaving a trail of water. As he moved across the carpet he continued to run the razor over the skin of his arm, each wound closing almost as quickly as it was made. Mulder dropped to his knees in front of the closet staring into the mirror that hung there. 

He still looked human, but he couldn't be. 

Dragging the door open he crawled inside pulling the door close behind him. The darkness closed in around him like a blanket,  
comforting, but terrifying at the same time. 

"Let me die," he whispered, "...just let me die." 

How long he sat there, knees drawn up under his chin, he had no idea. Then the light blinded him. 

* * *

"Mulder...Jesus...Mulder." 

Her voice was thick with tears and soft as she reached out, her fingers running gently against his damp skin. 

Dark, terrified eyes lifted to stare at her, unrecognizing. 

"It's me Mulder...Scully...Dana." Her hand reached out stilling the jerking motion of his hand. 

"...scully?" His words were a choked plea as his eyes lit up for a split second. 

"Yes...it's me." She fought the tears as she settled on the wet carpet. "Give me the razor...please?" 

Mulder glanced down his eyes filled with confusion at the sight of the stained razor. Lifting his arm he handed Scully the razor, his expression filled with child like sorrow. 

"All I want to do is die," he whispered, turning away. 

A sob tore from Scully's throat. "How can you say that?" 

"Like you care?" He sneered through the tears that streaked his pale face. 

"Maybe you've forgotten, but I do...we do," she grabbed his hand pressing it to the soft curve of her belly. "I'm sorry that I've been...distant, but I do care." 

He studied her face for a moment, his   
breathing ragged, as he seemed to try to get a grip. Beneath his hand he felt movement, his eyes widened, then moved up to met hers. 

"Your son," she smiled, assuring him of the one thing he had doubted since his return. 

"But...how?" His throat tightened as the movement continued. 

"Because I never gave up on a miracle." 

Mulder turned away, his hand pulling back. "I'm not what you think...I'm not the   
same...not human." He held out his arms showing her the pale pink lines where he had tried to cut himself open. 

Her eyes widened for a moment, then she grasp his chin, forcing him to look up. What she saw was impossible, she thought, but it was there. Her fingers ran along the scars feeling the warmth of the red smears of blood against his chilled skin. He was right about one thing, something had changed in him, but she had been to terrified to accept it. 

"You're just as human as me Mulder. It doesn't matter what they did to you...you're still human." Her hand settled over his heart. "I'm sorry I didn't say that sooner." 

Opening her arms, she smiled. 

Suddenly he was there in her arms, soaking her expensive suit, but she didn't give a damn. He was going to stay with her...he loved her too. 

Stroking his wet hair she began to rock, humming beneath her breath. "It's  
okay...everything is going to be okay." 

"Agent Scully?" 

She lifted her eyes to met Doggett's worried glance, his gun hanging from his fingers. 

Pressing a finger to her lips she hushed her partner with but a glance. "Get me a blanket John." 

"Do I need to call an ambulance?" He stepped back taking in Mulder's naked, shivering form. 

"No...just a blanket." 

"Scully?" 

She looked down into her best friends eyes. "What Mulder?" 

"I can hear him...I can hear our baby." 

"I know." Scully leaned over her lips brushing the top of Mulder's head as he snuggled against her stomach. 

John cleared his throat holding out the blanket he had pulled from the bed. Nodding her thanks she coaxed Mulder to set up, drapping the blanket over his shoulders. Between them Mulder was lifted from the floor and guided to the bed where he collapsed. 

Brushing her fingers through her hair Scully motioned John to the hotel door. "Can you do me a favor John?" 

"Of course Dana." He glanced over his shoulder at the bed where Mulder was curled into a tight ball. "What do you need?" 

Handing him a keyring from her pocket she spoke softly. "Can you go to Mulder's  
apartment...get a change of clothes?" 

With a sharp nod Doggett turned to go. 

"And John...," 

He stopped taking a soft breath. 

"...thank you." 

Smiling he moved to the hall. "You're welcome Dana." 

* * *

Pacing the room Scully glanced over at her sleeping partner...former partner. John was right she didn't need the stress, but she did need Mulder. 

The thought that he would have slit his wrists in a moment tore out her heart. It made her angrier than she had ever been in her life, even angrier than when her sister was murdered. She wasn't angry at him though, she was angry at herself. 

She had been so thankful to have him back, alive and breathing, that she had refused to see the truth. 

For God's sake, she thought, he had been buried alive for three months. He had been tortured, then left for dead, then buried. She hated herself for ignoring the signs. 

The quickness of how his body had healed, then the change in personality...quite... withdrawn. 

"You're a fool Dana," she whispered to herself. 

"Scully?" 

She jerked away from her guilty thoughts at the sound of his soft query. With a sigh she turned to see Mulder hunched on the bed, the damp blanket still wrapped around his shivering body. 

"What is it Mulder?" She ask settling on the bed next to him. 

"Why?" His eyes drifted down, his fingers plucking at the blanket. 

"Why what?" Scully's brow furrowed. 

"Why did you come?" 

"Because I need you." 

Mulder's eyes drifted upward, tears trembling on his lashes. "No one needs me." 

"Bullshit Mulder!" Her face flushed bright red. 

The look on Mulder's face was confused as he lifted one trembling hand, his fingers tracing the curve of her cheek. He blinked, then leaned closer. 

"What?" Scully felt the flush building in her cheeks. 

A tiny smile twitched at the corner of Mulder's mouth. 

"Do you know what I was thinking right after Kersh kicked me to the curb?" 

"That you wanted to die." Scully spit out the words. 

"No...before that." 

She could feel his breath, warm against her lips. 

"What?" She managed to squeeze out through a constricted throat. 

"I wished that I could see red." 

"Red?" 

Mulder's lips brushed across hers in a gentle kiss. She found herself pulling him into her arms, returning the gentle kiss. 

Face nestled against the vee of her neck he finally spoke in an awed whisper. "I wanted to see your hair just once before I died. I've never seen it, but I just knew red would be beautiful." 

Pulling back she met his eyes with a look of wonder. 

"Maybe it's not so bad being something other than human," he whispered as tears fell down his cheeks. 

Now she was confused. "What is it?" Her voice trembled as Mulder began to laugh, his fingers tangling in the strands of her hair. 

"My wish came true...," his eyes sparkled. 

"Oh my God," Scully leaned forward, her fingers tilting his chin up. She had wondered about the healing process, about the ramifications of the virus that had invaded his body. 

"...I'm finally seeing red." 

Maybe there was hope left after all, she thought. 

The End   
  


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